there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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