He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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