I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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