He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just made my gag reflex go away.
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Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm having to shit out rocks
God, I missed his penis.
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