I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
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high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
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He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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