i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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