I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
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He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
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Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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