Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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