We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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