Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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