I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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