I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
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theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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