I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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