this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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