I want to stick my p in your. b.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
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I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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