I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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