what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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