A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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