the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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