I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
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I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The air taste purple.
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