I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
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I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We were destined to go to rehab together
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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