just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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