When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
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i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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