i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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