I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize