Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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