Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
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Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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