she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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