Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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