Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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