If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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