pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
you made out with another girl for some wings
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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