R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
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finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
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i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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