Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
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The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Everclear isn't food dammit
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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