my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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