just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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