These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
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I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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