nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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