You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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