I think I won the penis lottery.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he thought i was a dude.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
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People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
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Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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