can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize