oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
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so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
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I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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