I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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