So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I am naked and annoyed.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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