ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
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please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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