Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
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I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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