Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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