she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
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Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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