I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
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Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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