Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dear god my vagina.
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